Skip to main content

Advice on separation

First aid in a crisis

It is not uncommon to seek initial advice on family law in the midst of an acute marital crisis, for example, in the following situations:

You have found out that your spouse is having an extramarital affair, possibly for quite some time. Your spouse has told you that it wants to separate from you, or has already moved out of the marital home. You are considering separating yourself or have already moved out. In such situations, you are in an emotional state of emergency, often caught in a mixture of anger, disappointment, fear, insecurity or even guilt. Many of those affected initially feel paralysed and unable to think clearly. Others fall into hyperactivity in the face of the supposed mountain of tasks ahead.

More on this topic

Typical initial questions

The following questions are often asked in an initial consultation:

  • Should I send you the photos/messenger messages that document my spouse’s adultery?
  • Am I allowed to kick my spouse out of the house (and change the locks)?
  • Who do I need to inform about our separation?
  • Can I withdraw the balance from our joint current account before he/she does so?
  • Can I take the financial records from our marital home? What should I copy?
  • Do the children really have to have contact with the other parent in a situation like this? They should be given time to calm down and not be drawn into the situation.
  • I was faithful for so many years and was so badly betrayed. Can I now also use dating platforms or can this be used against me somehow?
  • Can you please file the petition for divorce as soon as possible? I do not want to stay married under these circumstances.  Do I really have to pay alimony even though I was cheated on?

Keep calm, don’t rush into anything, inform yourself of your legal rights.

It is especially important in this initial phase of the conflict to keep a cool head and not make any mistakes that may be impossible to correct later.

This may concern the question of who moves out of the previous marital home, what information and documents you need to collect in advance for the settlement of the consequences of separation and, if applicable, divorce, how to deal with banks and authorities, what to do with bank accounts and when to inform whom about the separation.

In any case, you should inform yourself about your rights and obligations in the event of a separation at an early stage and determine the right strategy with the help of a lawyer.

This also applies if you are considering separation or have definitely decided to separate. Careful preparation of the first steps and clever communication can be crucial for the further course of the separation. In this case, early legal advice can protect you from harm.

The most important issues to be settled

The following issues, in particular, need to be settled when separating:

  • Who moves out of the matrimonial home? Can another apartment be afforded in addition to the matrimonial home or must both spouses together terminate the lease for the marital home? Is it possible to force one’s spouse to move out?
  • If necessary, is it possible to separate within the marital home for the time being? What needs to be considered in such case?
  • If one spouse moves out and has to rent a new apartment, is the other spouse then obliged to provide a guarantee for that new apartment? Who pays the deposit for the new apartment, if necessary?
  • How are the furnishings and personal belongings from the previous marital home divided? Are you still allowed to enter the home after you have moved out?
  • Who will keep the pets? Who will keep the cars?
  • Who will pay the rent or the mortgage instalments for the former marital home in the future? Who will pay the utility costs and insurance premiums? If the spouse who moves out takes over these payments, what equalisation claims and offsetting options exist? What needs to be arranged with regard to the rent deposit?
  • When does the exact time of separation play a role? Does anything need to be recorded in writing in this regard?
  • If there are underage children: which parent will take care of the children in the future? Should they be cared for mainly by one parent (residency model) or should the parents share the care between them (alternating model or extended access)? What could a reasonable access arrangement look like? Do the children have to have their own rooms in the new home of the parent who has moved out so that access can take place there?
  • Who will pay for the children’s living expenses in the future? How much child support is owed? What applies to grown up children who either still live at home or have already moved out and are studying or in vocational school?
  • What maintenance claim does the economically weaker spouse have against the other during the separation period? In what form can this maintenance be provided?
  • What role does a so-called housing benefit of the spouse who has remained in the home play in the calculation of maintenance? Can debts be taken into account in the calculation of maintenance?
  • Is it allowed to have new partners while still married? Is it allowed to bring a new partner home, at least when the other spouse is not there? When are you allowed to introduce the new partner to your children?
  • Can a new relationship of the dependent spouse or his or her other behaviour have an impact on the claim for maintenance?
  • When and how should joint accounts be closed?
  • When does the tax office have to be informed about the separation?
  • What contractual agreements can be made at this point in time to make a later divorce as easy as possible?
  • What happens to joint wills or inheritance contracts in the event of a separation? Which precautionary regulations are to be made in this respect?

Communicating effectively in a crisis

In addition to these practical and legal issues, the right strategy and communication often play a central role in a separation. It is not uncommon for initial legal advice to address the question of how to inform one’s spouse, often of many years, of one’s desire for separation, how to deal with new partnerships that already exist, and when and how the children and, if applicable, third parties should be informed. The importance of these first steps for the subsequent process should not be underestimated.

But the course is also set early on with regard to the future living, care, maintenance and asset situation. If a lot of porcelain is broken in the initial phase and the relationship of trust is permanently damaged, the separation process is often long, expensive and nerve-wracking. In the end, as in the classic film ‘The War of the Roses’, in the worst case, the only thing left is the ‘downfall together’. However, this cannot be an option, especially if there are children involved.

Rather, the aim is to maintain your life and that of your children while your marriage is falling apart, and to enable new beginnings. This requires a cool head and a targeted approach. I will be at your side throughout the entire process as an experienced advisor and sparring partner, guiding you step by step through the individual topics. These may vary from case to case. In any case, the goal should be to reach an amicable agreement on all the consequences of the separation.

The first important arrangements – the separation agreement (also: separate living agreement)

Some issues, such as separation maintenance and the allocation of the matrimonial home and household effects (for the period of separation or already permanently), as well as the future care of the joint children and the child support to be paid, can be settled amicably at an early stage by means of a separation agreement, after the relevant maintenance calculations have been carried out.

Separation agreements can usually be concluded in writing without a notary or even orally. The agreement must be notarised only if it contains provisions in anticipation of a later divorce, such as those relating to the matrimonial property regime or pension splitting, post-marital maintenance or real estate. A notary must be contacted for this.

I will realiably support you in drafting legally secure separation (and divorce) agreements and calculating existing alimony claims and equalisation of accrued gains claims, if necessary after first enforcing disclosure obligations against your spouse.

Can this not be done without a lawyer?

It is generally possible to settle the consequences of separation without the advice of a lawyer. You are also not obliged to see a doctor if you have health complaints. However, an amateurish settlement of the consequences of separation and, if applicable, divorce entails the risk that the arrangements made are legally and financially disadvantageous for you or, as in the case of waiving separation maintenance, even null and void.

A separation and divorce agreement drawn up with the help of a lawyer, on the other hand, offers legal certainty and transparency with regard to the basis and results of the agreement and the agreement process as a whole. Only competent legal advice ensures that you know your rights and can protect them accordingly. Strong legal representation also enables you to get on with your life without getting lost in constant personal disputes with your ex-partner.

Contact

Do you need help or information in a separation situation?

You can contact me by phone at any time during office hours, or by email outside office hours. I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Mon-Fri: 9.00 – 13.00 and 14.00 – 18.00

T: 06174 – 935 75 70
E: marx@familienrecht-marx.de

How to get there